Quintessential Me

an unspoken understanding

For quite some time, there has been an unspoken understanding in my wife’s side of the family; I am an outsider. I’ve considered whether it has been my own doing –my awkward inability to call my mother-in-law ‘mom,’ but regardless of whether it is the consequence of my own actions or a natural occurrence to millions of husbands or wives, it is revealed at poignant moments when the smallest comments reveal indifference to my considerations.

Recently, she took to cross-examining S on whether or not we might move closer to my job. (This is a natural concern for any parent who wants to stay as close as possible to their offspring, but, even so, S and her mom have an unnaturally close relationship.) For years I have commuted beyond anything that could be considered reasonable. To be fair, S has always taken care of me well, but it's been clear that our lives would be richer if my insane commute weren't what it is.

So, as hurricane Rita placed us temporarily closer to my job, it was only natural, to be honest, that we've discussed moving. We have only said to each other that we should evaluate the possibility. There was no more, nor was there anything less. Although my mother-in-law was never part of any discussion, nor did we ever suggest that we were discussing a possible move, she has taken to religiously nagging S until she gets nervous and reassures her that we are not currently planning to move –true- and that we haven’t discussed the possibility –false.

If I had to say what my m-i-l was doing, I would call it running interference, and this interference is now part of the deliberation; this is the secondary desire of my mother-in-law with the first being the destruction of any move.

There seems to be some territorial scuffling involved here beyond what there should be. During the evacuation period (and beyond because our house is in a chaotic shamble), we have been occupying a spare room at my own mother’s house. Perhaps this is, in and of itself, part of why S’s mom has taken to scratching the ground, flapping her wings, and pecking us (just kidding).

S’s m-i-l, my own mother, has a history of aggravating S. My mom is one who will annoy anyone to death through repetitiously asking if the person is sure about not wanting a drink:

“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“It’s really no trouble.”
“I’m sure.”
“We have Cokes, Sprites …”
“I don’t want anything”
And so on.

One day in expressing her enthusiasm, she told S, “I’m not ready for you and the baby to leave yet. Just stay a few more days. I’ll fight your mom if I have to.” This upset my beautiful wife, who now smells like an absolute angel thanks to her premature birthday gift from me.

S firmly believes that my mother was saying exactly what she meant rather than being kindly in expressing her appreciation of the time we’ve been able to spend together. I’m unsure if this comment made it to S’s own mother, but her reactions seem consistent enough to hazard a guess. I believe the opposite about the statement. My mom is one to annoy out of trying to help.

I’ve suggested that S simply take the direct approach with both sides of the family: We have discussed considering whether to move closer. We aren’t planning on it. We simply would like to discuss it. This seems to be a convenient point to evaluate it because our life is already upside down. Could you help us weigh our options?

This approach could open communication lines, ease tensions, and make it clear that we wouldn’t be bullied either way.

S thought I was insane. “My mom would flip out,” she said before interjecting, “She’s already flipping out!” I assured her I was certain the opposite would happen with my own mother; she would back off.

I guess it should tell me how much she has come to trust me, because soon after, I heard S answer a phone call from my mother and begin to spill her beans about all that we had discussed. Even further to her amazement, my mother said, “you don’t want to move away from your family.”

I’m glad that my mom and S are becoming closer. I wish the same would happen with my m-i-l and I.

“Why are you going to his parents tonight?”
“He has to work tomorrow.”
“So? He drives from here all the time.”

Then, the preceding interchange would give way to a more compassionate option:

“Why are you going to his parents tonight?”
“He has to work tomorrow.”
“Oh, OK. That’s good let him drive less while it’s convenient. If you wanted to consider moving, I would support whatever decision you make.”
“Well, I am sure he would love your insight on the advantages and disadvantages.”

Instead, I am an outsider.

posted by mokru @ 9:45 PM